Wait. Sometimes I all I see myself do is wait for him. Whether it be backstage, in the audience or at home, most of the time I feel like all I do is wait for him. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and with my guy, I know he’s worth the wait.
Countless number of hours, pretending to sleep so that he wouldn’t be worried that I’d stay up all night waiting for him to get home from a gig. The reason why I know he’ll get worried is because he knows I have to get up early in the morning.
Most of the time, I wait in a crowd or behind the scene just to let him know he has my full support. During these times I’m even left with no one there to talk to, no one to tell how proud I am of him, no one to see me stare at the man I love doing what he loves most. When in a crowd, I often just stare at him, and when he looks back me, I just put a little smirk on my face. I know he would know that I’m proud of him.
I admit that there are times that I get jealous of his guitar. He does tell me that I’m more important, but “Jenna” (the name of his guitar); she’s the one he’s with at all times. He has to pay so much attention to her. Me? He does put a lot of time and effort to talk to me even when his practice schedule is set, even if he has to study his piece, he does make time for me – and a lot of it if I may add. The issue with this is, I feel like he should rather play his guitar and study his piece, not send me a message telling him he’s doing those thing. I already know, and I do understand that he has to do all those things. The next thing is my own issue.
When he sets aside his music for me, I feel as though I’m not worthy of his time. He had never made me feel like I was a pass time nor a waste of time, but I feel like I’m a hindrance to what he’s doing. It’s probably just me. It is just me. That being said, I get the tendency to ignore him, ignore his message from everywhere; texts, Facebook, iMessage. … I know, I’m being stupid, that’s what he would say. He’s been nothing but the best but I don’t know. I’m stupid.
In truth, all I want is his undivided attention and presence. More than the songs he’s make for me. More than the things he’ll give or do to make up for whatever situation he missed.
I really have to work on my own perspective about “Me Vs. Jenna (His guitar)”.
If you read this, my dear boyfriend; I’m sorry for all the times I ignore you. It just hurts not seeing you sometimes and you know me, I’d rather suffer than feel incomplete joy. I love you with all my heart, God’s my witness. I just hope that I’d be able to learn to love you like you love me. You’ve been nothing but great towards me for years, and I don’t know why I feel like I’m sure a failure as your girlfriend. I know you don’t think so, but that’s how I feel. You’re not the one who makes me feel like this, it’s my own self.
To others, being a musician’s partner is hard. It seems as though a lot of things could go wrong. But this I know for sure; if you love someone, a musician, not for his music, not for his popularity or good look, but for his heart that he so ever generously has shared with you.. he’s worth it.